btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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