No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
