Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
