I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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