Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
