wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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