failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
