I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
