I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
