Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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