dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
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