I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize