this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
