Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
