do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
ttyl tear gas
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
