so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
she smelled like a LAN party
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
