rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
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