i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
