$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
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