i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
