Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
