I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
PANTIES FOUND
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