she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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