I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
