I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
