Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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