when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
