But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
