I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
