remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
