I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
