The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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