I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
