i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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