He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize