just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
