first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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