things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize