FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
