You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize