She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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