i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
