drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
