I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize