I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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