I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
