everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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