Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
