My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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