i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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