I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
