Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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