Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
