News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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