i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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