They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
