she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
