I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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