apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize