just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
