Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
