I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I think I won the penis lottery.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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