He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
