pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
