What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
