I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
