Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
