I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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