Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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