Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
